A Tale of Two Tailors
Maurice Green
Was fast and mean
Withe a sewing machine
There was no one better
He and his mate
Monty were the greatest
Tailors there were
They’d suit you Sir
In silk or wool or leather
They were a nice little double act
The funny man, the straight man
The quiet man, the great man
They were a cut above the rest,
Morrie and Monty were the best
Now let me explain
In the garment game
You’ve got to have a brain
A brain for the business
Well Monty he had that
But it was Maurice who had the knack
Like a knife through butter
He could cut a bit of schmutter
Slicker and quicker than a mohel at a bris does
They were a nice little double act
The yang and the yin
The Beth and the Din
They were well and truly blessed
Morrie and Monty were the best
They met on the boat from Hamburg
And on it they made a vow
In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish
They stood like Leonardo Di Caprio did - ish
On the Titanic bough
We’re gonna be Kings of the World
We’ll show them you’ll see
We’re gonna be Kings of the World
Kings of the World aren’t we?
All they had on that boat
Was a crumpled up note
In the pocket of their coat
That they couldn’t even read
On it was the address
Of an uncle or cousin of theirs
Who’d resettled form the schtetl
In Manchester or Leeds
So in a poor part of town
In a sweat-shop underground
They’d dream of the sound
The sound of cash-registers
Morrie and Monty
Like the brothers Delfont see
Cuban cigars
Rolls Royce cars
Their names above the doors of community centres
They were a nice little double act
Like Spencer and Marks
The sum of parts
Was more than you could ever guess
Morrie and Monty were the best
They beg and they steal and they borrow
They’re wily they’re clever and strong
In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish
They take on the orders, they’re thinking is big-ish
They’re singing their company song
It goes: We’re gonna be Kings of the World
We’ll show them you’ll see
We’re gonna be Kings of the World
Kings of the World aren’t we?
One night while Morrie lay asleep in his bed
A shaft of light came through the window
And a voice in his head
In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish
And some Hebrew that he recognised from when he’d made kiddish
Said ‘I am the God of your father’s, kid
I delivered you from Egypt I did
And to Adam and Eve I sent a snake, kid
So they’d realise that they were naked
And for you I did this favour
So that people should always need a tailor!
And tonight I plant in you a seed
A simple yet a brilliant idea
And woe betide you I guarantee
If you forget it was me that put it here’
But sure enough the very next day
He shouted out ‘Eureka, Hooray!
Eureka, I’ve got it, the pattern and the stitch
Eureka, I’ve got it, I’m gonna be rich!’
He said ‘ The buttons on the jacket,
On the jacket or the coat can spoil the line
And the lady, or the gentleman
Might not really like that all the time.
If I can make a long, extended seam or flap
The buttons can be hidden underneath the overlap
How come nobody’s ever though of that?
That is a great idea
That is a great idea,
I’d better file a patent right away
That is a great idea,
I feel like a genius today
If I can make a long, extended seam or flap
Every other tailor will doth his cap
I really am a very clever chap
That is a great idea
Well Monty (the other one)
Was very very jealous
After all he was supposed to have the brains
He started fiddling about with the tassels on his tallas
You could see the bulging of his temple veins
He said ‘That ain’t a great idea
You leave the thinking to me.
Everybody knows ‘round here:
Your brain is the size of a pea
You get back to the treadle of your Singer Deluxe
And leave me to the business of making the bucks
You don’t want us looking like a couple of schmucks
That ain’t a great idea’
Oy Gevalt! Oy veysmir!
We will never really know what happened here
But before you could say
‘I’ll have a bagel with schmear’
Monty stole that idea
And from it he made a killing
And Morris was left with chopped egg on his face
And he never got a scheckel or a shilling
He said ‘Monty, you have conned me,
How could you stitch me up like this
Monty said ‘Morrie, I’m very sorry,
But it’s a cut throat business this is’
Oy Gevalt! Oy Veysmir!
For every moment of joy there’s a corresponding tear
Their lives like ours, full of jealousy and fear
Morris went to his grave bearing a grudge
And as for Monty: God will also be his judge
Now, Morris he begat Asney
Asney begat Ruth, begat me
A mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish
Their lives and their hopes and their dreams don’t finish
They live on in you and in me
When I look in the mirror I see
A little bit of Monty and Morrie
They were the Kings of the World
Kings of the world in their day
They were the Kings of the World
Kings of the World weren’t they?